i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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