What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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