Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
