I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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