i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
