Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
