You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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