Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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