I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
