i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
