Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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