If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
