Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
