That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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