Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
