i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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