i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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