I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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