I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
