dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
