I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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