First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
