Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
