I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
