watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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