I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
These tits shall not be calmed
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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