Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
