If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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