mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
