no, he came in my armpit
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
