Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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