so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
