She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
nutella sex= disaster
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
