I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
