She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
