It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
a search helicopter?!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
