I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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