Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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