I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
