I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
