Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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