You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
this will be a night to untag.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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