Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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