Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
