I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize