I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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