she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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