I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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