The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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