Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
