he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
