i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
